1 In 3 women globally have experienced physical and/or sexual violence in their lifetime.*
Many carry this trauma silently.
The Woman I had to Find gives voice to the healing that’s possible.
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* WHO, 2021
THE WOMAN I HAD TO FIND
Healing What Was Never Mine to Carry
It’s time to release what doesn’t belong to me.
The weight of the lies, half-truths, and untruths is just too heavy to haul around any longer.
The secrets end here. No matter how uncomfortable this makes some people feel.
I’m no longer willing to carry inherited silence or distorted realities.
The projections that did not belong to me to begin with… I give them all back to where they came from.
With consciousness attached…
With love… maybe—I still hesitate there.
With boundaries… not a shred of hesitation here.
Not knowing the truth has its own kind of pain, and only ever made me feel more lost.
I’m strong enough—that, I’ve always been.
Let the truth come, in its full and perhaps uncomfortable form.
I need it—to find my way forward.
The full truth brings peace. However painful, always better than a pretty lie.
It’s not easy to revisit the emotions I buried long ago. It takes effort, care, and gentleness with myself.
And I remind myself to be kind to me—to hold space for whatever shows up.
Acceptance for what is.
To release what was never mine to carry.
And to hold on—only—to what is real.
ABOUT THE BOOK
The Woman I Had to Find is about a woman who spent her life sacrificing herself for love—until a betrayal forced her to choose the safety of her child over her own longing to be loved for who she is. It’s a story of generational trauma—passed down through secrets, denial, and unmet needs. The unhealed wounds of her parents shaped a childhood that made her vulnerable to an abusive marriage. But it’s also a story of inner strength and transformation. At its heart, it’s about the price of silence across generations—and the redemption found in breaking it.
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The book opens on a family Christmas in the Netherlands, a few months after my mother’s passing, when a long-suppressed confrontation with my father cracks open decades of emotional pain. What follows is a charged week of reckoning that ends with his unexpected death.
From this emotional breaking point, the memoir traces the roots of my trauma: a childhood shaped by emotional neglect, an abusive marriage, and a final betrayal that forced me to choose the safety of my daughter over my own longing to be loved for who I am.
Deep healing begins when we immigrate to Canada and slowly rebuild a life on our own terms. Near the story’s end, I confront the ultimate question: Can we ever become whole without the love and approval of the people who raised us—or must we lose them to finally find ourselves?
The final word belongs to my daughter—soon a mother to a daughter herself—whose epilogue brings the story full circle, offering proof that healing, once reclaimed, can ripple forward through generations.
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As a trauma-informed life coach, I am working with female abuse survivors across Canada, the United States, and the Netherlands. In alignment with my mission, I founded The Inner Circle, a women-only support group available in both English and Dutch. My hope is that survivors who still carry the burden of their past find their way to emotional freedom.
A SNEAK PEEK
I sat on the cold, concrete floor of our downstairs storage unit for what must have been more than twenty-four hours. My legs had gone numb, but I was unable to move.
The grey garbage bags lay open in front of me, spilling out pieces of a life I never knew existed–in another city, another country. A strange woman, with my husband. A dog. A "welcome home" banner on a house that wasn't ours.
I couldn't believe what I was looking at. And yet, I could.
COMMUNITY SUPPORT
Reading a book like this can stir up emotions. It can put a face to things you’ve long felt but never said out loud. It can bring hope—but also remind you of the pain you’ve experienced. And without further support or clear next steps, a book like this can leave you hanging.
Beyond the Book
That’s why I created my Inner Circle Community—and you don't have to wait for my book to be published to join!
You can learn more on my Community page. Have a visit ↓